Road Worriers
by Random Guise
Summary: Bandit and Snowman are relaxing in a diner when an event brings a discussion about truckers unfit for the job. I don't own the characters from this film, but I see enough big rigs everyday to stay out of their way.


Road Worriers

Two friends were sitting at a truck stop along the interstate and watched joyfully as a driver tried to fit his rig between two parked trucks. The maneuver was successful until the backing rig came to the cab, when the driver proceeded to strip the side mirror off his truck's passenger side against one of the parked trucks.

Cledus 'Snowman' Snow took a drink from his cup of coffee and shook his head. "Who's the dumbest trucker you ever saw, Bo?"

His friend Bo 'Bandit' Darville stroked his mustache. "That's a pretty tall order there, partner. Let me think..." he said as he stared into space. "I guess I'd have to say Lloyd 'Big Stick' Johnson."

"Lloyd? Good choice, but anything specific about the boy?" Outside, the demolition continued as the trucker now pulled his rig out, and turned so sharply it bent the front bumper out on the rig to his left.

"Well, there's a story...mind you, I wasn't there...that when Lloyd was first starting out driving."

"I suppose he was 'Little Stick' then, eh?"

" _Nobody_ goes by 'Little Stick'. But anyway, he was working as a lot attendant down at Joe's Truck World and Joe himself told the kid to go out and wash down all the new 18-wheelers in the lot, then he could go home for the day. Well, a few hours later Joe goes out to see how the kid is doing and he's nowhere to be found. None of the trucks are washed, no one has seen him for hours. The next morning the kid shows up for work and Joe calls him into the office and asks him what he did yesterday. Lloyd tells him he went out to wash the trucks but none of them had 18 wheels so he went home!" Bo leaned back and laughed.

"No!" Cledus joined in, slapping the table a few times between laughs. "They don't sell trailers there!"

"I think I speak for truckers everywhere when I say the roads got a lot safer the day Lloyd decided to go into real estate sales instead of driving."

"Still, I can just see him trying to sell oceanfront property in Kansas. I almost forgot about Lloyd. Okay, I'll put up my candidate now: Hank Ennott."

"Don't know the name, what's his handle?" Bo asked.

"This boy is so wet behind the ears he don't even have a handle yet" Cledus explained. "But he's a cousin on Waynette's side so that's how I know the kid."

"If this kid is so dumb, why haven't you told me about it before?"

"The subject hasn't come up."

"You mean you were hidin' it."

"No...well, a little. I just didn't volunteer the information. Anyways, you gonna let me tell the story or not?"

"You got my full attention" Bo assured him. Outside, the owner of the truck with the bent bumper was starting to yell. "Well, most of it anyway."

"Okay. I was out in L.A. after a cross-country when my truck started acting up. Well, I poked around and thought I got it runnin' right, so I was looking around for a load to take me back towards home again. I was talkin' with dispatch and they told me there was a run from L.A. to Vegas available, so I figured that was as good a start as any. I drove my rig to the address, and it turned out to be a meat packing warehouse. I reckoned I was gonna haul some chickens or somethin', but the man told me it was gonna be penquins."

"Penguins? Short guys, tuxedos?" Bo asked.

"Yeah! 'Cept they weren't dead, there were alive. They needed to go to Vegas to a new zoo they've started out there. I tell you, these little guys had their own refrigerated trailer and everything. The manager opened the back of the trailer and there was all these penguins jumping and running and doing all sorts of happy penguin stuff."

Cledus paused as he and Bo watched outside. The driver who had taken off his mirror and someone else's bumper had hopped out of his truck to try and calm down the other drivers. He forgot to set his parking brake and his truck slowly rolled down a slope before it crunched into a light pole, which promptly fell back on the truck.

"So what about the penguins? You haven't mentioned Hank yet" Bo prompted.

"Oh yeah, got distracted there. So I get the money for the job and I'm taking this load of penguins to Vegas and I'm heading up I-15. I manage to make it out into the desert past Barstow when a flatbed in front of me looses some of his load of angle iron and next thing you know I've got three flat tires. I hop on the radio and call it in, but it's gonna be a couple hours until they bring out a repair truck."

"No problem, your truck still runs, so you got air conditioning."

"Yeah, but did I mention the manager warned me about the A/C on the trailer? He wasn't worried too much, but he told me it was 'a little weak' and not to wait too long before I took off. Well, I wasn't goin' anywhere so I went back and checked out the trailer. The unit was going out, and it was mostly just blowing air. It was starting to warm up and the penguins didn't look so good. I was really starting to worry now, those guys were all droopy and panting and not very happy."

"Yeah, I can see the headline now" Bo teased. "Georgia Trucker Mass Murders Penguins."

"Somethin' like that. I mean, it just _had_ to be the desert and the A/C just _had_ to conk out and I just _had_ get behind some jockey that couldn't tie down his load proper. I was wonderin' what to do when Hank pulls up in his rig."

"Ah, I remember Hank. You said a couple of hours ago this was a story about him."

"Shaddup, I got to him didn't I?"

The waitress down the counter interrupted the story with a question. "Hey Bandit, you goin' to the Georgia State Truck Roadeo? It's only a few months away and you don't want to disappoint all your fans!" she giggled.

"You bet, Flo. Tell Mel he needs to open a food booth there."

"What, and poison the crowd?" They laughed and Flo moved on with her work.

Cledus continued. "Anyways, Hank pulls up and he just happens to be running some frozen foods up to Vegas. I mean, I asked God to send me an angel and he did; I just forgot to ask for a smart one. So we get these guys into the back of the truck with the cases of frozen food, and they're all happy again and dancin' and playing. It's still gonna be a while before I can get my tires fixed, so I hand Hank half my money and tell him to take the penguins to the zoo in Vegas. He agrees and I wave goodbye as the truck drives off."

"You got rescued. Good for Hank."

"Story ain't over. About two hours later I get my tires fixed up and I'm back on the road again; I figure I come this far I might as well head to Vegas and see what I can find there. Well, as I'm pullin' into town I have to slam on my brakes as all these penguins come waddling out of a movie theater. I mean they're just flowing like a river across the road, into the parking lot across the street. Behind 'em all comes Hank. I roll down my window and scream at him to ask what he was doin'."

"You said to take 'em to the zoo, but I figured you gave me enough money to take 'em to a movie first he yells back at me."

Bo just stared, his jaw slack. "He didn't."

"He did" Cledus confirmed.

"He didn't" Bo said again, refusing to believe the story.

"He did, and I got the police report to prove it. You wanna take a look?"

"No, I think you win." They both looked outside as the driver of the truck attempted to get into his rig with the light pole sparking on top of the cab. When he touched the handle the electric jolt blew him about five feet back where he lay on the ground shaking his head. "But we might have a new contender next time if Darwin doesn't take this guy out first" Bo observed.

"Who's this Darwin fella, a state inspector for stupidity?"

"Somethin' like that."

The End

* * *

 **A/N: This was first and foremost a joke with a trucking setting, which limited who the characters could be. Going over what shows and movies featured truck drivers as the main characters, I ended up with Burt Reynolds and Jerry Reed. They would have been the most popular movie in 1977 if it weren't for a little film called 'Star Wars'.**


End file.
